?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags Fiction, Poetry, and News Articles
 
 
 
 
 
 
So, Zorro 2 is coming out. Does anyone think instead they should make the Poke of Zorro from the Simpsons into a movie instead?

Homer returns from the snack bar in time for the day's featured attraction: "The Poke of Zorro." The hero of the film fights the Three Musketeers. He runs all three of them through with his sword.
Musketeer: Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro! [all three collapse]

[the Man in the Iron Mask attacks Zorro. Zorro slices a "Z" in the man's shirt]

Man: What? "N?" What does "N" stand for?

Zorro: No, no. It's a "Z." I am Zorro. "Z" for Zorro! I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.

[In Audience]
Bart: It's a history lesson come to life!

Lisa: No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate.

Bart: Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

[fighting noises are heard from the screen]
Zorro gets a respite from fighting to seduce the movie's heroine. He undresses her by adroitly slicing layers of her clothing with his sword.

Lady: What part of "stop cutting my dress off" don't you understand? [her dress falls off]

Zorro: [laughs, then notices something cut into the lady's slip] "SP?" The Scarlet Pimpernel.

Lady: We're just, uh, friends.

[In Audience]
Bart: She's lying! Slice her head off!

Zorro: Your honor has been insulted. This will not stand. [leaps out the window]

[In Audience]
Homer: Oh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [tips Milk Dud box, dribbling butter on Marge's dress]

Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my leg.

Homer: Sh, sh, sh.
A night at the opera. As the fat lady sings, the Scarlet Pimpernel enjoys the show from his reserved balcony. He is rudely interrupted by Zorro.
Zorro: Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. [slaps the Scarlet Pimpernel with his glove. The opera audience gasps] Do you accept, or are you a coward?

Pimpernel: [gets up] I ... am a coward! [runs away]

[movie audience cheers]
Homer: Woo! You go, Zorro!

King Arthur: I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new King of England!

Zorro: Yes! [the King tosses Zorro his crown. He catches it on his sword. The credits roll]


Cast:

Zorro ................................. John Byner
Robot Zorro ......................... Shawn Wayans
Mrs. Zorro ........................... Rita Rudner
Scarlet Pimpernel ...... Curtis "Booger" Armstrong
King Arthur ......................... Cheech Marin
Man in the Iron Mask ................ Gina Gershon
Wise Nun .............................. Posh Spice
Stupid Nun .......................... Meryl Streep
Time Traveler #1 ......... Stone Cold Steve Austin
Orangutan at Dance ..................... "Puddles"
Gay-Seeming Prince ................. Spalding Gray
Man Beating Mule .................... Eric Roberts
Mule Beating Man ........................... "Gus"
Hiccuping Narrator ......................... Pele
President Van Buren ................. Robert Evans
Corky ............................ Anthony Hopkins
Voice of Magic Taco ............. James Earl Jones
The Producers would like to thank:
Film Board of Canada
The Philadelphia Flyers
The Makers of Whip Balm
Mr. Robert Guccione
The Teamsters Pension Fund
AAABest Bail Bonds
Mr. and Mrs. Curtis "Booger" Armstrong


*obligatory stupid rap song to accompany action movie end credits*

From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R" "O",
He's the dude in the mask from the barrio.
With his horse and his mask and his big old sword,
He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford.



Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but is a Zorro movie without the Scarlet Pimpernel, Rita Rudner, Puddles the Chimp and President Van Buren played by Robert Evans really worth seeing?

I think not.

(Thank you SNPP...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
glove slap, baby, glove slap